


Caspar has the dumb

by RuminantRambling



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/M, Kissing, Sex Education
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27583646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuminantRambling/pseuds/RuminantRambling
Summary: Caspar knows he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He has a tendency to take things literally. He is a wonderful person and you really do care for him but sometimes....?
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez/Reader
Kudos: 8





	Caspar has the dumb

You join the Officers Academy shortly after your 17th birthday. Being from Adrestia, you are a member of the Black Eagles house. You are a decent swordsman, accompanied by Reason magic on the side. You did not come to find a boyfriend, but somehow you did. Someone kind, exciting, strong, and outgoing. His cute light blue hair is a total bonus. There is never a dull moment with him around. Your heart belongs to Caspar.

You work well together on the front lines. One of you weakens an enemy and the other finishes them off. You watch each other’s backs and you try to keep him out of trouble. Halfway through the school year, you finally decide that he is the one for you and you confess that you like him after a long walk around the monastery late one evening. You both are in no hurry. Dates are sparring matches or a picnic on one of the hills outside the walls. You grow accustomed to holding hands, mostly when it is just the two of you. It takes almost a month to work up the courage to share your first kiss. It is sweet and private and absolutely cute with both of you blushing profusely, red up to your ears.

Dorothea asks how things are going, and it seems like she is pushing you two to get a little closer. You swear the songstress has absolutely no modesty as you sit in her room drinking tea as she tells in extreme detail the date she had with a knight the evening before.

“His whole body held me tight against the wall. I could feel him from my shoulders to my knees against me. His tongue was down my throat so far I swear he was wiggling my tonsils. He has huge hands and my blouse should have burst open when he had them under it grabbing my…”

::Choke:: ::gasp:: You can’t take it. You cough into your tea, spilling it all over yourself. ::cough:: “I am so sorry Dorothea, I guess I swallowed wrong, and now my skirt is soaked. I’m afraid I have to cut our teatime short.”

You excuse yourself quickly and run to your room. Slamming the door behind you, you try to calm yourself and catch your breath. You change your uniform skirt and work on homework to clear your mind. It is no use. She has corrupted your brain. No matter how much you try to concentrate on battle theories, you wonder what it would be like if Caspar used his tongue a bit while you kiss. All of your kisses are fast, chaste, and over in an instant. You’ve touched his hands, maybe forearms, shoulders when you shove him out of the way in battle. A few days ago when his knee brushed against your leg at dinner you almost dropped your spoon. Damn you Dorothea!

The bell rings reminding you that you agree to meet Caspar after his spar tonight. You’re not getting any homework done so you head out to meet him.

“Hey (y/n)!” Caspar yells as you enter the training area. “Ready to go?”

You smile sweetly. He takes your hand as you head out, deciding to walk around the exterior of the Cathedral. The pleasant breeze feels wonderful you walk across the bridge.

“You’re really quiet, is everything okay?” the handsome brawler looks at you curiously.

“I, um, that is…” you blush, holding his hand tighter. You lead him past the left of the entrance of the Cathedral, to where people going to church cannot see the two of you.

You pull him a bit closer to you whispering in his ear. “Have you ever thought about kissing and using your tongue?” you look away blushing.

He gasps. “But…But, I thought we weren’t going to do anything like that. We are going to wait!” Caspar almost yells.

You panic, you cant decide between calming him or covering his mouth because he’s too loud. You give him a confused look. “What?”

“You know what.” He frowns dejectedly.

“I’m not sure. Tell me, and for Seiros sake, whisper!” You frown.

Caspar blushes, takes several deep breaths, then cups his hand around your ear. “When a man puts his things inside a woman she can get pregnant.” He can’t believe he said something like that to YOU. He hides his face behinds his hands, peeking through his fingers.

You slap your hand across your face. You can’t let him see. You try to take deep breaths. You force a cough, several coughs trying to disguise the laughter that is fighting to burst forth. Caspar is now slapping you on your back, hoping you are not choking to death.

“I need to take you to Manuela.” Caspar says seriously.

You nod, still unable to speak. He quickly hauls you into her office. The Professor shuffles him out to talk to you privately. Whispering in her hear, you advise that Caspar needs “the talk” right now. With pictures. You head out the door to send him in (you did not hear her say that she does not get paid enough to do this.)

You sit on a bench outside. You can hear her yell, “Oh my goddess no!” A few times. Caspar keeps yelling “What!” and “What??”. You almost want to run, but eventually he exits the infirmary. He is white as a sheet. You take his hand and he silently follows you to the dorms. You stop at Linhardt’s room, knocking.. Lin opens the door.

“What’s up?” the sleepy cleric mumbles through a yawn.

Caspar walks into the room and stands in front of the desk, not moving.

“I’m sorry. Manuela broke him.” You say, then whispering, “She had to educate him about sex.”

Linhardt’s face silently forms an “oh” as he closes the door.

**Author's Note:**

> So I had a friend in high school that convinced herself that by french kissing her boyfriend she was pregnant. This goes out to you, friend. May you have many happy children.
> 
> For the rest of you, hope you had a laugh. if not, go read something else. I didn't use the tag freaking hilarious so you can't argue with me or whatever. Writers should write to make themselves happy as well as the fans. Everyone doesn't have to like everything that a writer writes.


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